[He's going to ruin everything Rohan's doing if he picks his hand up and scrubs at his eyes. It's what he wants to do, desperately, but he doesn't let himself (and where was that iron control earlier, huh, so much for self-restraint, why couldn't you just not let yourself when it came to that guy, huh); he locks his arms and keeps them low and ducks his head instead, fanged teeth coming down hard on his lower lip while his chest wracks and his lungs strain from needing more air than he's letting himself take in.
It's stupid, he can't be doing this. It's stupid, this shouldn't be bothering him like this. He's killed people. He's seen the bodies. He's put the smoothies in his mouth and swallowed them, he's not innocent, he never has been. Why is it like this now, all of a sudden?
Did he really think, deep down, that he could hold off the inevitable forever? Or is it just that now he's one step closer to believing he's backsliding toward becoming something he's been so desperate to distance himself from since that night in Cairo?
If he can't call this justice, then doesn't that have to make it evil?
You're the only enemy you ever lose to, Rohan told him once, and it feels more than ever like he's losing to himself right now.]
M'fine. M'fine.
[But then he squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head roughly. Rohan told him not to lie, so he shouldn't.]
It doesn't...f-for the first time in, in weeks, it doesn't...hurt...
[He's full, he means. He's full, and the gargoyle is quiet. He doesn't have to fight anymore. He gets to be at peace, because someone else is dead.]
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It's stupid, he can't be doing this. It's stupid, this shouldn't be bothering him like this. He's killed people. He's seen the bodies. He's put the smoothies in his mouth and swallowed them, he's not innocent, he never has been. Why is it like this now, all of a sudden?
Did he really think, deep down, that he could hold off the inevitable forever? Or is it just that now he's one step closer to believing he's backsliding toward becoming something he's been so desperate to distance himself from since that night in Cairo?
If he can't call this justice, then doesn't that have to make it evil?
You're the only enemy you ever lose to, Rohan told him once, and it feels more than ever like he's losing to himself right now.]
M'fine. M'fine.
[But then he squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head roughly. Rohan told him not to lie, so he shouldn't.]
It doesn't...f-for the first time in, in weeks, it doesn't...hurt...
[He's full, he means. He's full, and the gargoyle is quiet. He doesn't have to fight anymore. He gets to be at peace, because someone else is dead.]